There are many benefits to being a secondary partner. But as with any relationship, there is no perfect union. However, being a secondary can be designed to fit your needs. As I comment in all of my articles, communication is the key. If you do not feel comfortable expressing what those are, then I would say you are not ready for any relationship, even if it is a third one time.

I remember my first relationship where I was the secondary partner. I was so young and naive and had no idea what I was doing. So, therefore, I had no voice in the relationship, and his primary partner called all the shots. When we were together, it was very satisfying, but the rest of it did not feel good. We would have plans, and she would decide that she did not want us to see one another at the last minute, and he would cancel. I remember being in my kitchen having made an amazing meal and putting it all in the freezer for next time. As much as I enjoyed my time with him and our connection, I did not feel much when she chose he could not see me anymore.

After that, I wrote down a list of rules for myself. Things that I knew were essential to me in any relationship, starting with…

MY NEEDS

Realizing what I require to feel secure in any relationship is crucial. In the situation above, I had zero say, so I never knew what was coming. Now, in any union, my needs matter. I have to have a say. We need to create an agreement regarding: time shared, sleep-overs, days of the week, etc. I need to know as well what I can expect, is there potential for growth? In the beginning, I just assumed there was. The way he spoke and what he was saying made me feel like there was potential. His wife clearly was not on his page. Now before I commit, I need the full information. As a side note, the next secondary relationship I considered, I interviewed him. I asked any question I could think of. Now, where he thought this was adorable, I knew I was on to something that would only serve to help me.

CHECKING-IN

It is necessary to check in with your partner from time to time. When you are a secondary, questions creep in that we do not always bother asking. Some people do not want to know the answer. But not asking these questions and performing check-ins will consistently ensure that you are on the same page and continue to get your voice heard and your needs met. I ask questions such as; is this arrangement still fulfilling? How is your relationship going with your primary? Are you happy? And certainly, anything else that is in your mind. It is common for insecurities to be part of a secondary relationship. Instead of allowing the insecurities to get the better of you, speak up.

KNOW THYSELF

Being a secondary or in a polycule is not for everyone. Try it out, see what you think. But do not fret if it is not a good fit. You will find the right place for you; keep exploring. The more you know and understand yourself, the happier you will be. Confidence is the key—no reason to settle.
Hey, are you considering becoming a secondary? Are you new to the lifestyle? Schedule your free, no-strings-attached session now.

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