Contracts are not just for business deals, car leases, and apartments. When you enter into a relationship, that is a contract as well. Nothing wrong with putting it in writing. This becomes necessary when you live a Polyamorous lifestyle, engage in an open marriage, or participate in BDSM/Kink. Working and living the lifestyle adds an insight that not everyone has. I have rarely had clients that do not want to work on their contract. So, let’s look at the contract basics to help you get started or add to your current one.
Be specific about what you agree to:
How do we want to open up our relationship?
Is there a limit to partners?
How much do we want them in “our relationship”?
If this is a trial basis, when should we re-examine?
This is a general idea.
I believe that a contract of this nature needs to be broken down into four sections.:
- COMMUNICATION
- TRUST
- RESPECT
- INTIMACY
Note that the four categories are the basis of any healthy relationship.
COMMUNICATION
It is vital to keep the communication between the two primaries as open as possible, without “oversharing.”
What are we comfortable sharing?
How specific do we want to get?
Do we discuss issues with the other relationships?
TRUST
Without trust, being part of this lifestyle does not work. Even white lies in this situation are not acceptable. We cannot fear being honest about time, feelings, dates, etc.
What happens if trust is broken?
Can I trust you always to put our relationship first?
Can I trust you to be honest with me?
Can I trust you not to get defensive discussing uncomfortable topics?
RESPECT
To get respect, you need to give respect. We have all heard that. One way to show your primary respect is your time with them is their time.
How often do we go out on dates during the week? Which days?
Are there things that just the two of us do and/or places, activities we only do together?
Can we agree to use a calendar to know where the other one is and with whom?
Can we both agree to maintain our parts of the calendar?
Can we agree that we do not answer calls/texts from our other partners when we are together?
What happens if one of us does not like who the other is dating?
INTIMACY
Some believe that intimacy is sex, yes sure it can be. But my definition of intimacy is the closeness you share—opening up your hearts and sharing your entire life with someone. They know your secrets, fears, dreams, etc.
Are we prepared to open up our intimacy and share with others?
Are there off-limits things? (information and/or sex)
How close do we want our relationships to become?
This hopefully gives a good idea of what items need to be in your contract. Have I left something out? Please add it in the comments below.