Suppose you do a Google search about the emotionally unavailable. Hundreds of articles come up, whole websites dedicated to this topic, Facebook groups, Quora questions, pages upon pages. It is very overwhelming. We can cut out all the busy searching and finding the article that says what you want to hear. Here is the stitch on emotionally unavailable people:
1) They are afraid.
2) They do have feelings.
3) They will not wake up one day and be different.
4) It is not you.
The emotionally unavailable are a tricky bunch. It is essential to know that I am referring to simply emotionally unavailable people, not someone with a diagnosis such as; narcissistic personality disorder, sociopath, etc.
We can also leave your general asshole off the list. Let’s take a quick peek at some traits of the emotionally unavailable:
- They tend not to respond or disappear
- They do not have any interest in expressing feelings
- They are inconsistent with their behaviors
- They will avoid conflict
- They are defensive
Let’s take a look back at the list above and break it down:
THEY ARE AFRAID
Feelings can be scary for the average person, especially when it comes to opening up and sharing. The emotionally unavailable person cannot even fathom making an emotional connection. It is not that they are not capable; it is that they do not want to. They have created a beautiful protective hut that they live in, keeping them safe from being hurt.
THEY DO HAVE FEELINGS
The feelings they have are experienced differently from emotionally available people. They keep everything on the surface. Because they are not open to their emotions, they compartmentalize them. Where they go is not an easily accessible place. Coaching or therapy would be required to bring out their feelings.
THEY WILL NOT WAKE UP ONE DAY AND BE DIFFERENT
Emotionally unavailable people, in most cases, have been this way since childhood. In saying this, there is no waking up with an a-ha moment. There is nothing you can do to change them. It is is a protection device. Like with any growth, there needs to be a recognition of the problem and a desire to fix it. Without those things, a change will not and cannot occur.
IT IS NOT YOU
Having someone in your life that is emotionally unavailable can feel frustrating, lonely, and ultimately confusing. These people do not realize the emotional effect they have on others and do not understand your feelings. Because of their limitations, it is impossible to create a healthy and 50/50 partnership. In other words, it does not matter how patient, caring, loving, understanding, compromising, flexible, and emotional you become. Why? Because you did not make them emotionally unavailable, their issue has nothing to do with you.
If you think you are in a relationship with someone emotionally unavailable, check out this article: https://www.oprahmag.com/life/relationships-love/a27899292/signs-emotionally-unavailable-partner/
These are people that you do not want to give or invest too much time and energy. It will always feel one-sided and just not enough. It has to be “no” if you want a happy and healthy relationship.
Here is a list of what an emotionally available person looks like:
They share their feelings and are open
They handle conflict with respect
They are consistent
A good communicator
Actions and words are aligned
They have friends and good relationships with others
They desire commitment