Jealousy and Polyamory seem to go hand in hand. That is the biggest question on everyone’s mind when they find out. “I don’t know how you do not get jealous; I could not do it.” Jealousy is a healthy emotion, and of course, there is jealousy as in monogamous relationships. Jealousy creates an opportunity for self-growth and can further your connection and intimacy with your partner(s).

“A real relationship has fights, trust, faith, tears, pain, arguments, patience, secrets, jealousy, and love.” 

As I said before, jealousy is a healthy emotion, but that does not mean the feeling does not bring on unpleasant emotions. The most common is insecurity. We all have them. It can be difficult when someone new comes into the relationship and keeps bringing insecurities in check. Whether they are your insecurities or ones that are existing in the relationship

Many people feel that experiencing jealousy is weak or that they are not “right” for a polyamorous relationship. Neither of those is true. The fact is jealousy is a human emotion, and no one is impervious to it. Indeed, not all are equal. Some people are affected by jealousy more than others.

So, how do we stop jealousy in its tracks?

It boils down to questions. Think of it as breaking a code or a math problem.

I FEEL JEALOUS

Admitting to yourself that you are feeling jealous is the perfect place to start. It is a positive to feel those feelings. Hiding and ignoring them will only exemplify your reaction.

WHO, WHAT, AND WHY

Determine the who, the what, and the why! These will need to be understood before you can stop it. Here is an example:

THE WHO: My wife/husband

THE WHAT: Going out on a date

THE WHY: I feel threatened by their feelings for this person

…now comes the problem-solving portion.

EXPRESS YOURSELF

Communication is one of the primary keys to any healthy relationship. Jealousy in relationships can often be present because of fear. Expressing those feelings to your partner can diminish that fear and get the validation you are seeking. Maybe you need your partner to remind you that their heart is yours or that they feel the same way at times. It is also possible you need to be creating more time for the two of you. The options and possibilities are endless. The important thing is that you communicate with one another.

NOT FEELING IT

While communication with your partner(s) is vital to an ongoing relationship, you can never forget that communicating with yourself is just as crucial. Is there a different reason the feelings of jealousy are coming up? Are you not feeling that great about yourself at the moment? Are you feeling insecure? Are there other things tugging at your emotions or confidence? Make sure you are doing daily check-ins with yourself.

TRUST IS A BUST

Another thing that can strongly bring on jealousy is trust issues, as in “I do not feel like I can trust my partner.” If that is the case, you are dealing with a more significant issue than jealousy. The two of you are not on the same page anymore, and your communication is not working. It would benefit you to talk with someone.